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The Guilt Of Being A Parent Coach

I get lots of messages and pm’s from parents who are looking for help……but this one really got me thinking. I’m sharing this here so that we can start a discussion about the importance of parenting right.

Hey Queenie, I need some parenting advice. But firstly, I need to let you know that you are a huge advocate for worldschooling or homeschooling and that I can’t do that.

(Hihi, you are right, I am a big fan of worldschooling and why my boys and I are bending over backward to make that a reality. However, I don’t expect others to do what we do because we worked a long time to get here and if we didn’t value it enough, we really wouldn’t have gone through all that trouble. Also, just so you know, worldschooling will not fix any parenting problems that you may be experiencing now. The only thing you can do is to really engage with parent education so that you can:

  1. Significantly reduce your parenting challenges by 75% by preventing it,
  2. Preempt and be proactive about the other 25% of your parenting challenges so that you are constantly on top of it,
  3. You will start changing your mindset and start viewing these ‘challenges’ as parenting ‘opportunities’ and ‘teachable moments’.)

Are you trying to say that the reason I’m having so many parenting struggles now is that I don’t know enough?

(I’m saying that parenting is a HUGE job and a really complex one. just like performing an open heart surgery, you wouldn’t go to a doctor who isn’t trained! Likewise, parents who aren’t trained will struggle with it and always be waiting for problems to happen instead of preventing it)

I don’t see how parenting can be like a surgeon?

(I do. If you do your job well, human being live and they get another shot at life and to do great things with it. If you mess up, human beings could lose their lives (we have seen a steep increase in childhood suicides) or worse, suffer for it (end up in abusive relationships and being unhappy all of their adult lives)).

……

Personally, I thought that a surgeon and parent juxtapose is a really interesting one. I came across the saying ‘the hand that rocks the cradle, rules the world’ when I was younger and it made so much sense to me. I do believe that so much of who we are today is because of our upbringing, but I’m also a firm believer that not everything we become today is because of our parents. Our upbringing shapes our foundation which is the basis of our principles and decision-making skills later in life……..and why raising children is very much like performing surgery……in which you really shouldn’t ‘wing it’ or go by ‘trial and error’ if it’s not grounded in a proper framework.

I talk about this framework so much because I don’t have a choice. The truth is that everyone will want the shortcut because they don’t think too much about parenting. They are waiting for something to happen before springing into action to fix it. And then, they want the shortcut and a quick fix and I’m here, every willing to help with ways that they can address it……..address the ‘problem’ that is.

Here’s the real issue. The problem is not the parenting ‘problem’……..what you see (eg. misbehaviors, tantrums, rudeness, screen addiction, difficulties transitioning to preschool, difficulties with meal times etc) are just the symptoms of a problem……in fact, usually, they are symptoms of a few problems. I can help you with advice to fix these symptoms but it’s not an easy fix getting to the bottom of it……and that’s where the framework will come in. The framework explains how children function and what they fundamentally need to grow and thrive from an applied child developmental psychology viewpoint…….and believe me, this viewpoint of what young children need is very very different from what most parents think their children need…….and that is where the problem is!

Many parents think they know what their children need…….” oh, we just feed him and give him lots of love and affection and we read to him every night and we invest in good classes for him….how hard can it be”. Seriously, it’s not hard…….until you realize that’s not enough……and usually when that happens…….its kinda a bit too late to take any more preventive measure…..

I get parents of 9,10,11 year olds who tell me that their children steal, tell lies, bully friends, get bullied, want to die, have difficulties making friends, are rude and rebellious……and these parents are scratching their head wondering what happened and where they went wrong and this is one of the most challenging situations for me because I have to tell them that what they thought their children needed early on in life isn’t what the children really needed for a healthy and holistic development……and this is the hardest part of my work.

I wish I could tell them that I really wish they knew me earlier, and that I could show them the importance of learning the framework and that there was so much we could do to bring out the child’s genius by learning what they really need to grow and thrive……using a framework that explains what children fundamentally need.

I wish I could wind back the clock and teach them stuff that I know would make their parenting jobs 1000x easier as their children got older because a good foundation had been laid and their children are able to lean on that foundation to make good decisions.

I wish I could teach them exactly how they could foster a strong and trusting relationship with their children so that when their children have problems during their school years, that they will feel safe going to their parents for help.

……but I can’t:( they are not doomed …… but they have a lot of work cut out for them. Corrective strategies are usually a lot harder than preventive strategies and the hard part is that by the time the child is 9, 10, 11 years old, both the parents and the children would have a whole decade of habits that they will need to change and that is no easy feat…… so if you find that learning to do it right when your child is 3,4,5 or 6 years old is hard, think again! It’s actually much easier than if you waited.

As for your humble parent coach……my work is cut out for me! I’m invested in helping those who really value learning the framework and how to do it right from as early as possible.

Remember, all the difficulties that you are facing with your child……they are opportunities to fix things (not the child, by the way)…… it’s not the time to blame the child for it.

In the comments section below, think about the one thing that you wished your parents did differently when raising you and how that has impacted you as you entered adulthood……

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